Continued from part 1.

So I married. I married in the hopes that if perhaps I just tried
it, God would then provide me the freedom from my struggle. Well,
the marriage failed and while there were many reasons for the
failure, it is undeniable that my struggle with my sexuality was one
of the key factors. In our marriage bed, I struggled desperately.
What should have been a beautiful expression of our love left me
feeling hollow and depressed, falling far short of the physical
intimacy, the “one-flesh” experience that God intended for his
children.

As the marriage continued to unfold, I sat in a weekend retreat four
years ago being guided in prayer. During that session, we were asked
to listen to our hearts because God had a message for us. As I
quieted myself before God that morning I heard with alarming
clarity, “Todd, you are a gay man.” I was startled and shaken. The
message was so clear and delivered with such authority that on a
visceral level I knew it had to be God. However, I was so scared
that I convinced myself that this message was not from above, but
from Satan in attempt to deceive me.

Next I bought into the argument that my struggle with same-sex
attractions was somehow the result of “bad parenting” or unresolved
conflicts from my childhood. Building upon years of counseling, I
turned to therapy under the guidance of a trusted Christian therapist
and for the next few years, I made the courageous decision to face
the pain, fear and anger resulting from growing up in an imperfect
world. Through this process, I tapped into the river of sadness
within me, faced the dragons of my fears and cleansed myself of years
of unresolved anger. I sought help and counsel through different
therapeutic milieus and for a three-year period, I dedicated three
nights each week in an attempt to heal and overcome these desires.

God is indeed faithful, because I did heal and I did find new clarity
in my life. I felt safer in the world. I found deeper connection in
relationship with others. More importantly, I found myself closer to
God as I was able to free myself of old stories and lies about who I
thought God was. Through it all though, my struggle remained the
same. Despite years of prayer, despite years of therapy and healing,
despite an attempt at marriage, my struggle with same-sex attractions
continued.

Things changed for me this spring after I joined a men’s care group
at Park Church where we studied the book, Wild At Heart. In one of
the chapters, we were challenged to examine our wounds in the light
of Christ’s healing, and in this section, I was particularly drawn to
one of the prayers:

Father, who am I to you? You are my true Father—my Creator, my
Redeemer, and my Sustainer. You know the man you had in mind when
you made me. You know my true name. O Father, I ask you to speak to
me, to reveal to me my true strength and my real name. Open my eyes
that I might see, give me ears to hear your voice. Father, I ask
that you speak it not once, but again and again so that I might
really receive it. And grant me the courage to receive what you say
and the faith to believe it.
In Jesus Name.

For the weeks and months that followed, I lived and breathed this
prayer, seeking clarity from God about whom he had intended me to
be. As the fog lifted, I came to understand clearly that the message
I had heard four years earlier on that retreat, those simple words
whispered with such authority and clarity, was truly the voice of
God. So as I completed the last line of the prayer, “And grant me
the courage to receive what you say and the faith to believe it,” I
came to fully understand that yes, I am a gay man.

…continued tomorrow…

September 20, 2004

To Park Community Church,

Since February 1989, I have called Park Community Church my home and
I can say unequivocally that God has blessed me during these past
fifteen years. At this point in my life, however, I believe that God
is calling me elsewhere and I hope to share with you in these next
few pages a brief summary of my journey thus far.

When God brought me to my knees after the collapse of my marriage, I
chose to seriously examine those areas of my life in need of healing,
and one aspect that clearly required examination was my sexuality.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with same-sex
attractions and for equally as long, I have wondered what was wrong
with me. Like most raised in the Christian church, I was raised with
the understanding that homosexuality was immoral, and an
abomination. As a small child, this shame was further compounded as
I witnessed members of Christian churches laughing at debasing jokes
about homosexuals and condoning, whether directly or through their
silence, violence against homosexuals. Confused and terrified, I
remembered crying out to God asking what was so wrong with me that
even the body of Christ, his church, would condone or even commit
violence against me.

So I kept silent. I kept silent to protect myself. I kept silent to
protect my family. I kept silent because as a struggling young
child, I had no idea what to do. Out of legitimate fear, I didn’t
dare tell anyone about my struggle, so I did what I was taught to do
in Sunday school. I prayed.

And I prayed; for over thirty years I prayed that God would free me
from these same-sex attractions and somehow or another awaken in me
a “normal” attraction to women. For over thirty years, I was
disappointed and bewildered as to why God was not willing to change
me. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy that somehow or another
God didn’t think I was worth the effort. I could not understand why
I could not be granted this simple victory despite my faithful
efforts to seek Him. Seeing that this was not going to change
through prayer alone, I bought into the argument that my sexuality
was somehow a choice and jumped head first into heterosexual
relationships. This I prayed would provide me the liberation that I
so desperately sought.

…continued tomorrow…

This week we bring you another series of post from an alumni of Wheaton College.

Todd Zimmerman writes:

I’m 42 years old, class of 1985 and have only come out (to myself) and others over the past 2-1/2 years. I posted this because I see other people struggling with the reconciliation of their faith and sexuality. I’ve attached a rather verbose letter that I sent to my previous church when I withdrew my membership.

Over the next few days you’ll have the chance to read Todd’s letter to his previous church.

Dear Wheaton College students, staff and faculty:

This memo will give you an overview of events and
issues for the April 20-21, 2006 visit of the
Soulforce Equality Ride to Wheaton College; I hope you
will find this information helpful. I will begin with
a quick summary of the Soulforce schedule, then move
to general information about the visit, and then give
you more information on the scheduling of campus
“events” involving the Soulforce Equality Riders.

The schedule at a glance:
* Thursday afternoon (4/20), 3:30-5:00 PM, Coray
Gym, Equality Rider presentation “Letters to Mel.”
Campus community only.

* Thursday night (4/20), 7:00-9:00 PM, King Arena
(SRC), Equality Riders and Wheaton College Panel
Discussion. Open to public.

* Friday afternoon (4/21), 3:30-5:00 PM, Coray Gym,
Equality Rider presentation “A History of Violence.”
Campus community only.

* Thursday (4/20) and Friday (4/21) afternoons,
1:30-3:30 PM, Beamer Center, Equality Riders
interact informally with interested students.

* Saturday, (4/22), 10:00AM-noon, Barrows
Auditorium, post-event dialogue and debrief.

General Information:

We have been preparing for the Soulforce visit by
carefully watching what has transpired at the other
college campuses that have been visited by the
Equality Ride. We have been encouraged that those
visits have generally been peaceful and not disruptive
of campus life. Soulforce has stated repeatedly that
they will not implement civil disobedience or other
disruptive techniques here on our campus.

Who are our visitors? It has been reported in the
press that about half of the Equality Riders do not
identify themselves as Christians. Some of those
that do identify themselves as Christians do not
articulate their religious faith in ways that
members of our community would recognize as orthodox,
but other Equality Riders do. Students and other
members of our community will have an opportunity to
share and show the love and truth of Jesus Christ with
our visitors (including the Equality Riders, any
media, and other visitors).

We have reports from other colleges of some
meaningful interactions occurring between Equality
Riders and the Christian college students. If you
choose to interact with the Equality Riders, we urge
that you listen to them but that you also not be
afraid to speak. Ask them to share their story, but
do not let the interaction become just one-way. Do
not be afraid of sharing your faith in our Savior, or
why you have confidence in the moral teachings of the
Bible. They will have had similar conversations at
campuses visited earlier in their ride.

Remember also that the Soulforce Equality Riders are
activists. As activists, they want to influence the
College to change its stance on sexual morality. They
would like the College to retreat from its confidence
in the Bible’s explicit teachings on sexual morality.
To accomplish this goal they will ask us-and you-to
suspend moral commitment for the sake of dialogue.
They will also seek to portray Wheaton in the media as
“intolerant” and “oppressive” (two words they often
use) in order to create public pressure for change to
their point of view.

You should not feel compelled to speak to any media
who may be present for this event. We have not given
permission for cameras and recorders to be present on
campus outside of a specific media area (yet to be
determined). If you are approached for a comment on
camera, the media crew is violating our
pre-established agreements with the media. If you do
interact with the media, be aware that what you say
may have an impact far from campus and for some time
to come. Also, the media rarely report in full what
we say, and so comments taken in isolation may appear
out of context in a way that creates misunderstanding
of your meaning. We urge you to use prayerful
discretion if you choose to speak to the media.

On their visits this spring to some other Christian
College campuses, the Equality Riders have broken a
few pre-established agreements about their visit, but
these have not been serious violations. Examples have
included distributing literature when they had been
asked not to do so, or entering buildings or areas of
the campus restricted from their visit. We have asked
the Equality Riders to limit their campus access to
the Beamer Center except when going to pre-arranged
events in other venues.

We hope that the visit by the Equality Riders will be
free of conflictual or unloving interactions. Should
such events occur-whether involving a Wheaton
community member, an Equality Rider or outside
visitor-we urge mature persons present to take action
to calm the situation. Some may seek to provoke
strong reactions with forceful statements. The most
serious act of aggression against the Equality Ride so
far occurred at Lee College, where their bus was
apparently vandalized with spray paint by outside
persons. This act was met with the response of Lee
students cleaning the bus, a gracious act of love.

Remember, the Equality Riders are activists but they
are also fellow human beings made in the image of God
and loved by Him. They, like we, are sinners in need
of God’s mercy and of the message and reality of the
Gospel. May God be glorified and Christ’s Kingdom
advanced by our response to this event.

More information on the “events” we will have on
campus during their visit:

The Equality Riders will be on campus on Thursday
(4/20) from late morning through the evening, and
again on Friday (4/21) from late morning through
about 5PM.

Lunches on both Thursday (4/20) and Friday (4/21)
and dinner on Thursday (4/20) have been pre-arranged
for the Equality Riders and different member of the
College community.

The Equality Riders have been granted permission to
interact informally with interested students in the
Beamer Center between 1:30-3:30 PM on both Thursday
(4/20) and Friday (4/21).

On Thursday afternoon (4/20), 3:30-5:00 PM in Coray
Gym, the Equality Riders will make a presentation
entitled “Letters to Mel [White].” This presentation
has been described as “A reading of letters to Rev.
Dr. Mel White, some from GLBT persons of faith and
some from people who oppose Soulforce views.” The
presentation will last about 45 minutes, followed by a
10 minute response by a Wheaton College faculty
member, and the remainder of the time dedicated to
Q&A. Only Equality Riders and members of the Wheaton
College community will be admitted to this event by
showing proper identification.

On Thursday night (4/20), 7:00-9:00 PM in King Arena
(SRC), the Equality Riders will join Wheaton College
representatives to present a Panel Discussion.
Representatives of Soulforce and of Wheaton College
will make comments for 30 minutes each, and the
remainder of the time will be dedicated to Q&A with
the audience. This event will be open to the public.

On Friday afternoon (4/21), 3:30-5:00 PM in Coray
Gym, the Equality Riders will make a presentation
entitled “A History of Violence.” This presentation
has been described as “Surveys the development of
homophobia and the resultant oppression and violence
against GLBT people.” The presentation will last
about 45 minutes, followed by a 10 minute response by
a Wheaton College faculty member, and the remainder of
the time dedicated to Q&A. Only Equality Riders and
members of the Wheaton College community will be
admitted to this event by showing proper
identification.

After the Equality Riders depart, we will host a
post-event dialogue and debrief for all interested
members of our community. This will take place
Saturday (4/22), from 10:00AM-noon in Barrows
Auditorium. This will be a time to reflect on what
has transpired, discuss lessons learned, critique our
response, and discuss anything the audience wishes
about the Soulforce visit.

From
Soulforce’s Equality Ride: Colorado Christian University and United States Air Force Academy

The next morning we held a press conference at the North Gate of the United States Air Force base. Many community members attended and we clothed them in blue “end religious-based oppression” tee-shirts. Together we drove to the chapel on base and 10 people stood in a vigil line with tape over their mouths representing the 10,000 people whose voices have been silenced by their discharge since the 1993 inception of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” DADT is a government sanctioned discrimination and is based on the untruth that neither society nor soldiers are ready to see openly gay people in the military. A Gallup poll in 2003 showed that 79% of Americans were in support of gay/lesbian/bisexual people in the military. One of the riders held an oversized poster board check made out to the U.S Department of Defense for 364 million dollars which is the amount of money tax payers have spent to replace the 10,000 gay discharges since 1993, which includes 60 Arabic/Farsi translators and 300 medics which would be very helpful in Iraq right now.

Katie Higgins, equality rider, spoke, “Who wants to sign this check? I don’t want to sign this check, do you? My father and grandfather served in the military and this money had been used to insure that I cannot follow in their footsteps and serve my own country. Do you, Commandant, wish to sign this check? Or perhaps Pres. Bush would like to sign it? Are there any cadets here who would like to sign it? Why are you walking away from me, is it because you do not want to sign this check?” She was arrested along with 10 other riders and community members for attempting to speak out about the myths and facts concerning gays in the military.

This is a very intriguing and interesting piece from Soulforce that is worth a viewing for any student that is going to be discussing these issues with GLBT students that come to your campus. (The video is about 30 minutes long)

I had a Trinity professor share this quote in a class

Dr. Larry Day of Portland, Oregon
“…you are entitled to enjoy the sense of self-worth and dignity bestowed on you by your Creator because of your being designed in His image. You are encouraged to commit yourself to be fully what you are–an Image-bearer of God…You are free to grow in personal ways and thus demonstrate your individual uniqueness by what you do…Your emotional and spiritual growth is gradual and will be completed only at the Designer’s return; therefore, you are free in God’s love and Christ’s redemption to grow each day in becoming more of a feeling, thinking, choosing, creative, communicative, self-aware, morally aware and [thus]* spiritually aware person. You were designed for relationship. Becoming a whole person in a quality relationship with God and others is a purpose of life; therefore, you can worship God not only by what you do but also by who you are….” (* my addition)

Portland deftly describes where I am on my sojourn home. I share with you a peek into a vulnerable time in my life. I write to you as a follower of Christ who longs for no one to be kept from encountering Him. There are many “GLBT” who never allow themselves to know Christ because they believe that door has been slammed in their face. For this we should all grieve and repent. Let us not forget that “…our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens”.

“Finally, though I have had to speak at some length about sex, I want to make it as clear as I possibly can that the centre of Christian morality is not here. If anyone thinks that Christians regard unchastity as the supreme vice, he is quite wrong. The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins. All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: the pleasure of putting other people in the wrong, of bossing and patronizing and spoiling sport, and back-biting; the pleasures of power, of hatred. For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become. They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self. The Diabolical self is the worse of the two. That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute. But, of course, it is better to be neither.”
(C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

This leads me to the biggest heartache in this whole riga-marole. Somehow many Christians with diametrically opposed doctrines figure out how to say that if someone has embraced Jesus Christ as his or her Savior, then that person is in the universal body of Christ. And that means that we have much more in common than not. Yet, not when it comes to human sexuality. We have figured out how to live in harmony with disagreements over divorce, the end times, headship, female leadership (well kinda), gifts of the Holy Spirit, sanctification, and salvation. Why not sexuality!?

Okay, Okay, Okay,….Obviously this stirs a lot of emotion in me.

I won’t end without talking about the B-I-B-L-E (yes that’s the book for me). But I also won’t enter into a verse by verse discourse or hermeneutic pissing contest. The shortest way I know how to describe to you my biblical process about homosexuality is to say that it was the same process I went through when structuring my other theological beliefs.

I was 17 years old when I entered into ex-gay ministry. I was shown Bible passages and taught about the many psychological, spiritual, historical, and inconclusive biological evidences surrounding homosexuality. It made sense to me, I believed, and started walking it through. Then I went to Bible school and learned all about Biblical interpretation and translation. I learned that while the Scriptures are inerrant the people interpreting them probably are not. I realized very quickly that there were many opposing theologies amongst believers:

Non-cessationism and Cessationism
Calvinism and armeniaism,
Let the Women Preach and Let the Women Cover their Heads and be Silent
Sprinkle the Baby and Only Dunk Those of Consent
Celibacy and Marriage
Re-marriage and No-remarriage

…I think you get the idea. Time and again Christian believers have to choose between two “irrefutable” doctrinal truths, or somehow weigh and sort opposing and equally compelling arguments. We gather all the information we can, we consider the exegeses and hermeneutic, we sometimes weep, wait, argue, lament, and are hopefully changed for the better knowing why we believe what we believe. I came to my scriptural beliefs about sexuality the same way. I basically sat down within the framework of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral (if you don’t know what I am talking about ask Lyle Dorsett, he explains it very well) and started working my way through the various theological perspectives from Boswell, through Smedes, White, Dallas, Rosenau, Whiteheads, to Gagnon etc.. (While people do not always think of C.S. Lewis when cementing their theological beliefs around human sexuality I give his “the Weight of Glory” a big thumbs up!!!) I like to think that I didn’t approach the Scripture through my desires but rather approached the Scripture to find boundaries for my desires. In fact when it came down to the rubber hitting the road I needed to wrestle through my theology of marriage and whether or not it was even an option for me at all. I even think part of me was holding out for the single life so I didn’t have to figure out which gender to break celibacy with. Just as I struggled with various tenants of Armenianism and Calvinism and found myself agreeing with aspects of both I found myself developing a doctrine of Godly Human Sexuality that is strongly defined by my broader theology of Holiness and Sin. I hold points of agreement and disagreement with many theological thinkers on human sexuality. I really don’t fit into any prefabricated party line. For instance, (to many people’s surprise) my theology of human sexuality has plenty of room for “ex-gays”, or rather, people who no longer wish to embrace/experience any sort of same-sex erotic desire (and are well on their way to finding out that heterosexual desires can be just as confusing and daunting!). The bottom line is that when I survey, under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, the printed scriptures made alive in Christ, our Christian tradition, and my formative experiences and observations, I conclude that there is absolutely a place for homosexual marriage in the body of Christ and in the life of a disciple of Christ.

I spent well over a year in thought, prayer, and Christian council with the final month spent in solitude and fasting. I came to the other side of this season at peace with marrying Kathy who also happens to be a woman. As expected and promised several people cut off all relationship with me. Some people seemed to stick around for a time in hopes of helping one or both of us up when we finally realized that we had “fallen.” Unbelievably, even one or two were happy for us. For me my new understanding meant resigning from school because I no longer agreed with or wanted to uphold the school covenant. I wanted to be engaged to Kathy. If there is anything that I regret about this time in my life it is how easily I let others walk away from me, sometimes by walking away first. I sometimes wish that I had ignored the unspoken rules that engulf Wheaton’s campus and simply taken my covenant contract off file. Then waited for people who knew my relationship with Jesus and who had long considered me their equal sister in Christ to look me in the eye and say that I was no longer Christ’s disciple—not one in good standing anyway. Then perhaps they would be more likely to struggle and comprehend the profound implications of those assertions (which honestly make the importance of my beliefs about homosexuality and Christian discipleship pale in comparison).

When I heard that Wheaton Administrators were allowing the equality ride to come on campus I was deeply saddened and struck by their cowardice and hypocrisy. The GLBT Alumni have been asking for a voice on Wheaton’s campus and in their policy on sexuality for years. These are individuals from their own community who understand how Wheaton approaches Scripture and Christ (and often agree), who have given of their lives to the campus, but who have never been welcomed into dialogue at the forefront of campus discussion. Of course it is easy to let people onto the campus to talk with us when they can be easily dismissed as “not Christian” because the group includes Buddhists, secularist, humanists, etc… It even allows Wheaton to not worry about being closed minded or accused of homophobia. They simply get to find a gracious way of saying, “your cry for equality does not apply to the Wheaton community given that everyone in the Wheaton community are Bible believing Christians while you are human centric pluralists. Truly born again scripturally accurate monotheists know the Bible condemns all homosexuality and therefore so must we.” When it comes to the Wheaton GLBT Alumni they would have to be bolder and say, “You are not welcome among us because what you have to say does not apply to us, um we mean those still here on campus, because we disagree with your hermeneutics.”

During this time of my Christian walk when I did not want to practice or be “gay,” I was frequently astonished by how cruel fellow Christian students could be. I can still remember campaigns being launched against Tony Campolo, for calling Christians to act lovingly towards people with homosexual attractions. He wasn’t even calling Christians to accept homosexual love as “normal” or biblical. He was simply calling Christians to respond with compassion to a group of people who often face humiliation and abuse. Can you imagine groups joining on campus to boycott a preacher who called people to be compassionate with heterosexuals who have sex before they marry? Time and again I heard the stories of Christians turned away from the church when they came to the church for help walking away from such desires. I even had a dorm room mate who thought it was hilarious to display a milk top lid with the word HOMO crossed out, officially making her side of the room a “no homo’s allowed” zone.

Yet, in spite of such ignorance, I encountered some people who became my intimate Christian Community and who understood the God-given bond of community. I finally found a sense of family and home. I was invited by teachers and leaders to lead classes on both prayer and sexuality on Wheaton’s campus and other local Christian venues. It was through these relationships that I was drawn to Wheaton. To this day I hold ex-gay ministries and groups like Redeemed Lives in high esteem because they cause Christ’s Bride to open their eyes and talk about what can be so easily ignored and dismissed.

I came to Wheaton Graduate School because I believed that they were offering programs that fit my calling to the care of souls. Fellow students and several professors also affirmed this calling. It was during this time that I started spending more time with Kathy, my good friend and previous co-leader in ex-gay ministry. When we started to have romantic feelings for each other we were both thrown severely off balance because of the lack of “unhealthiness” or “co-dependency” that we had believed and been taught necessarily characterizes all experiences of same-sex romantic attraction. I found myself questioning my belief about the intrinsic incompatibility of homosexuality and authentic Christian discipleship. I started to re-evaluate Scriptural interpretations regarding sin, holiness, and human sexuality. I began wondering whether or not marriage between Christians of the same-sex held the potential to reflect the fullness of God’s glory. All this new questioning, and the prospect of there being room at the table for those “Ninevites” (same-sex attracted Christians) sent me on a Jonah-esque voyage into a depression the size of a great fish’s belly! I started participating (a little desperately) in the Redeemed Lives program through the Church of the Resurrection and at the same time re-evaluating all that I had until now held to be true about having homosexual attractions and union with God. The people around me who once saw my approach to Scripture and my journey with God as honorable and valid started to question the authenticity of my life with Jesus. On other issues over the course of time I had challenged status-quos, challenged easy assumptions, spoken and been received as a leader and a valid voice worth hearing and considering. Was their prior acknowledgement of what they termed wisdom in Christ so misled? Or had it evaporated so easily? Had I slipped so easily into a depraved mind? Would my faithful Lord have even let that happen? It seems they would rather accept those kinds of conclusions than listen with any kind of open heart to my well-considered thoughts about The Biggie. Distancing under the guise of “tough love” became the standard routine.