This leads me to the biggest heartache in this whole riga-marole. Somehow many Christians with diametrically opposed doctrines figure out how to say that if someone has embraced Jesus Christ as his or her Savior, then that person is in the universal body of Christ. And that means that we have much more in common than not. Yet, not when it comes to human sexuality. We have figured out how to live in harmony with disagreements over divorce, the end times, headship, female leadership (well kinda), gifts of the Holy Spirit, sanctification, and salvation. Why not sexuality!?

Okay, Okay, Okay,….Obviously this stirs a lot of emotion in me.

I won’t end without talking about the B-I-B-L-E (yes that’s the book for me). But I also won’t enter into a verse by verse discourse or hermeneutic pissing contest. The shortest way I know how to describe to you my biblical process about homosexuality is to say that it was the same process I went through when structuring my other theological beliefs.

I was 17 years old when I entered into ex-gay ministry. I was shown Bible passages and taught about the many psychological, spiritual, historical, and inconclusive biological evidences surrounding homosexuality. It made sense to me, I believed, and started walking it through. Then I went to Bible school and learned all about Biblical interpretation and translation. I learned that while the Scriptures are inerrant the people interpreting them probably are not. I realized very quickly that there were many opposing theologies amongst believers:

Non-cessationism and Cessationism
Calvinism and armeniaism,
Let the Women Preach and Let the Women Cover their Heads and be Silent
Sprinkle the Baby and Only Dunk Those of Consent
Celibacy and Marriage
Re-marriage and No-remarriage

…I think you get the idea. Time and again Christian believers have to choose between two “irrefutable” doctrinal truths, or somehow weigh and sort opposing and equally compelling arguments. We gather all the information we can, we consider the exegeses and hermeneutic, we sometimes weep, wait, argue, lament, and are hopefully changed for the better knowing why we believe what we believe. I came to my scriptural beliefs about sexuality the same way. I basically sat down within the framework of the Wesleyan Quadrilateral (if you don’t know what I am talking about ask Lyle Dorsett, he explains it very well) and started working my way through the various theological perspectives from Boswell, through Smedes, White, Dallas, Rosenau, Whiteheads, to Gagnon etc.. (While people do not always think of C.S. Lewis when cementing their theological beliefs around human sexuality I give his “the Weight of Glory” a big thumbs up!!!) I like to think that I didn’t approach the Scripture through my desires but rather approached the Scripture to find boundaries for my desires. In fact when it came down to the rubber hitting the road I needed to wrestle through my theology of marriage and whether or not it was even an option for me at all. I even think part of me was holding out for the single life so I didn’t have to figure out which gender to break celibacy with. Just as I struggled with various tenants of Armenianism and Calvinism and found myself agreeing with aspects of both I found myself developing a doctrine of Godly Human Sexuality that is strongly defined by my broader theology of Holiness and Sin. I hold points of agreement and disagreement with many theological thinkers on human sexuality. I really don’t fit into any prefabricated party line. For instance, (to many people’s surprise) my theology of human sexuality has plenty of room for “ex-gays”, or rather, people who no longer wish to embrace/experience any sort of same-sex erotic desire (and are well on their way to finding out that heterosexual desires can be just as confusing and daunting!). The bottom line is that when I survey, under the leadership of the Holy Spirit, the printed scriptures made alive in Christ, our Christian tradition, and my formative experiences and observations, I conclude that there is absolutely a place for homosexual marriage in the body of Christ and in the life of a disciple of Christ.

I spent well over a year in thought, prayer, and Christian council with the final month spent in solitude and fasting. I came to the other side of this season at peace with marrying Kathy who also happens to be a woman. As expected and promised several people cut off all relationship with me. Some people seemed to stick around for a time in hopes of helping one or both of us up when we finally realized that we had “fallen.” Unbelievably, even one or two were happy for us. For me my new understanding meant resigning from school because I no longer agreed with or wanted to uphold the school covenant. I wanted to be engaged to Kathy. If there is anything that I regret about this time in my life it is how easily I let others walk away from me, sometimes by walking away first. I sometimes wish that I had ignored the unspoken rules that engulf Wheaton’s campus and simply taken my covenant contract off file. Then waited for people who knew my relationship with Jesus and who had long considered me their equal sister in Christ to look me in the eye and say that I was no longer Christ’s disciple—not one in good standing anyway. Then perhaps they would be more likely to struggle and comprehend the profound implications of those assertions (which honestly make the importance of my beliefs about homosexuality and Christian discipleship pale in comparison).

When I heard that Wheaton Administrators were allowing the equality ride to come on campus I was deeply saddened and struck by their cowardice and hypocrisy. The GLBT Alumni have been asking for a voice on Wheaton’s campus and in their policy on sexuality for years. These are individuals from their own community who understand how Wheaton approaches Scripture and Christ (and often agree), who have given of their lives to the campus, but who have never been welcomed into dialogue at the forefront of campus discussion. Of course it is easy to let people onto the campus to talk with us when they can be easily dismissed as “not Christian” because the group includes Buddhists, secularist, humanists, etc… It even allows Wheaton to not worry about being closed minded or accused of homophobia. They simply get to find a gracious way of saying, “your cry for equality does not apply to the Wheaton community given that everyone in the Wheaton community are Bible believing Christians while you are human centric pluralists. Truly born again scripturally accurate monotheists know the Bible condemns all homosexuality and therefore so must we.” When it comes to the Wheaton GLBT Alumni they would have to be bolder and say, “You are not welcome among us because what you have to say does not apply to us, um we mean those still here on campus, because we disagree with your hermeneutics.”

During this time of my Christian walk when I did not want to practice or be “gay,” I was frequently astonished by how cruel fellow Christian students could be. I can still remember campaigns being launched against Tony Campolo, for calling Christians to act lovingly towards people with homosexual attractions. He wasn’t even calling Christians to accept homosexual love as “normal” or biblical. He was simply calling Christians to respond with compassion to a group of people who often face humiliation and abuse. Can you imagine groups joining on campus to boycott a preacher who called people to be compassionate with heterosexuals who have sex before they marry? Time and again I heard the stories of Christians turned away from the church when they came to the church for help walking away from such desires. I even had a dorm room mate who thought it was hilarious to display a milk top lid with the word HOMO crossed out, officially making her side of the room a “no homo’s allowed” zone.

Yet, in spite of such ignorance, I encountered some people who became my intimate Christian Community and who understood the God-given bond of community. I finally found a sense of family and home. I was invited by teachers and leaders to lead classes on both prayer and sexuality on Wheaton’s campus and other local Christian venues. It was through these relationships that I was drawn to Wheaton. To this day I hold ex-gay ministries and groups like Redeemed Lives in high esteem because they cause Christ’s Bride to open their eyes and talk about what can be so easily ignored and dismissed.

I came to Wheaton Graduate School because I believed that they were offering programs that fit my calling to the care of souls. Fellow students and several professors also affirmed this calling. It was during this time that I started spending more time with Kathy, my good friend and previous co-leader in ex-gay ministry. When we started to have romantic feelings for each other we were both thrown severely off balance because of the lack of “unhealthiness” or “co-dependency” that we had believed and been taught necessarily characterizes all experiences of same-sex romantic attraction. I found myself questioning my belief about the intrinsic incompatibility of homosexuality and authentic Christian discipleship. I started to re-evaluate Scriptural interpretations regarding sin, holiness, and human sexuality. I began wondering whether or not marriage between Christians of the same-sex held the potential to reflect the fullness of God’s glory. All this new questioning, and the prospect of there being room at the table for those “Ninevites” (same-sex attracted Christians) sent me on a Jonah-esque voyage into a depression the size of a great fish’s belly! I started participating (a little desperately) in the Redeemed Lives program through the Church of the Resurrection and at the same time re-evaluating all that I had until now held to be true about having homosexual attractions and union with God. The people around me who once saw my approach to Scripture and my journey with God as honorable and valid started to question the authenticity of my life with Jesus. On other issues over the course of time I had challenged status-quos, challenged easy assumptions, spoken and been received as a leader and a valid voice worth hearing and considering. Was their prior acknowledgement of what they termed wisdom in Christ so misled? Or had it evaporated so easily? Had I slipped so easily into a depraved mind? Would my faithful Lord have even let that happen? It seems they would rather accept those kinds of conclusions than listen with any kind of open heart to my well-considered thoughts about The Biggie. Distancing under the guise of “tough love” became the standard routine.

Whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away ….But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. II Corinthians 3:18

Early in my Christian walk I stopped my activity in inner-city ministry and began participating in an ex-gay group in search of help leaving an emotionally and sexually enmeshed relationship with another young lady. Over the next years I encountered the tattered state of my soul and the transforming healing power of Christ. The more I experienced what it meant to be “in Christ” the more I discovered my true self—righteous, beloved, the praise of His Glory. Abiding in Christ became and remains the focus of my sojourn home.

Eventually I became involved in ex-gay leadership and shared my testimony locally and nationally. In my testimony I spoke of a ravaged childhood, the sin of my lesbian relationship, and how the Holy Spirit helped me walk away from their grip. I learned to live as a fulfilled woman, not defined by my relationships with others, or by my sexuality, but my union with Christ. My union with Christ transformed me into a new creation unveiled before the throne of God. The whisperings (and sometimes shouts) of my old self still leave me clinging to His feet and humbled by His Glory.

When I chose to walk away from a romantic relationship with another woman, I did not believe that I would never feel attracted to women again (it is the rare ex-gay who would). Yet, I did at the time believe that any attraction I felt toward women illuminated unresolved root issues that needed healing. Whenever I was drawn to another woman I would bring my struggle to the attention of those in my support network. With the guidance of the Holy Spirit I would explore what those feelings may be revealing. I came to understand that my propensity toward emotional dependency was rooted in idolatry and that sometimes I eroticized my need to feel cherished, lovable, and wanted. As I handed over my broken places and needs to the shelter of my Redeemer I became able to maintain healthy relationships with both women and men out of a place of wholeness that honored others and Christ.

…Stay tuned for tomorrow’s continuation.