Continued from part 1.

So I married. I married in the hopes that if perhaps I just tried
it, God would then provide me the freedom from my struggle. Well,
the marriage failed and while there were many reasons for the
failure, it is undeniable that my struggle with my sexuality was one
of the key factors. In our marriage bed, I struggled desperately.
What should have been a beautiful expression of our love left me
feeling hollow and depressed, falling far short of the physical
intimacy, the “one-flesh” experience that God intended for his
children.

As the marriage continued to unfold, I sat in a weekend retreat four
years ago being guided in prayer. During that session, we were asked
to listen to our hearts because God had a message for us. As I
quieted myself before God that morning I heard with alarming
clarity, “Todd, you are a gay man.” I was startled and shaken. The
message was so clear and delivered with such authority that on a
visceral level I knew it had to be God. However, I was so scared
that I convinced myself that this message was not from above, but
from Satan in attempt to deceive me.

Next I bought into the argument that my struggle with same-sex
attractions was somehow the result of “bad parenting” or unresolved
conflicts from my childhood. Building upon years of counseling, I
turned to therapy under the guidance of a trusted Christian therapist
and for the next few years, I made the courageous decision to face
the pain, fear and anger resulting from growing up in an imperfect
world. Through this process, I tapped into the river of sadness
within me, faced the dragons of my fears and cleansed myself of years
of unresolved anger. I sought help and counsel through different
therapeutic milieus and for a three-year period, I dedicated three
nights each week in an attempt to heal and overcome these desires.

God is indeed faithful, because I did heal and I did find new clarity
in my life. I felt safer in the world. I found deeper connection in
relationship with others. More importantly, I found myself closer to
God as I was able to free myself of old stories and lies about who I
thought God was. Through it all though, my struggle remained the
same. Despite years of prayer, despite years of therapy and healing,
despite an attempt at marriage, my struggle with same-sex attractions
continued.

Things changed for me this spring after I joined a men’s care group
at Park Church where we studied the book, Wild At Heart. In one of
the chapters, we were challenged to examine our wounds in the light
of Christ’s healing, and in this section, I was particularly drawn to
one of the prayers:

Father, who am I to you? You are my true Father—my Creator, my
Redeemer, and my Sustainer. You know the man you had in mind when
you made me. You know my true name. O Father, I ask you to speak to
me, to reveal to me my true strength and my real name. Open my eyes
that I might see, give me ears to hear your voice. Father, I ask
that you speak it not once, but again and again so that I might
really receive it. And grant me the courage to receive what you say
and the faith to believe it.
In Jesus Name.

For the weeks and months that followed, I lived and breathed this
prayer, seeking clarity from God about whom he had intended me to
be. As the fog lifted, I came to understand clearly that the message
I had heard four years earlier on that retreat, those simple words
whispered with such authority and clarity, was truly the voice of
God. So as I completed the last line of the prayer, “And grant me
the courage to receive what you say and the faith to believe it,” I
came to fully understand that yes, I am a gay man.

…continued tomorrow…