September 20, 2004

To Park Community Church,

Since February 1989, I have called Park Community Church my home and
I can say unequivocally that God has blessed me during these past
fifteen years. At this point in my life, however, I believe that God
is calling me elsewhere and I hope to share with you in these next
few pages a brief summary of my journey thus far.

When God brought me to my knees after the collapse of my marriage, I
chose to seriously examine those areas of my life in need of healing,
and one aspect that clearly required examination was my sexuality.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with same-sex
attractions and for equally as long, I have wondered what was wrong
with me. Like most raised in the Christian church, I was raised with
the understanding that homosexuality was immoral, and an
abomination. As a small child, this shame was further compounded as
I witnessed members of Christian churches laughing at debasing jokes
about homosexuals and condoning, whether directly or through their
silence, violence against homosexuals. Confused and terrified, I
remembered crying out to God asking what was so wrong with me that
even the body of Christ, his church, would condone or even commit
violence against me.

So I kept silent. I kept silent to protect myself. I kept silent to
protect my family. I kept silent because as a struggling young
child, I had no idea what to do. Out of legitimate fear, I didn’t
dare tell anyone about my struggle, so I did what I was taught to do
in Sunday school. I prayed.

And I prayed; for over thirty years I prayed that God would free me
from these same-sex attractions and somehow or another awaken in me
a “normal” attraction to women. For over thirty years, I was
disappointed and bewildered as to why God was not willing to change
me. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy that somehow or another
God didn’t think I was worth the effort. I could not understand why
I could not be granted this simple victory despite my faithful
efforts to seek Him. Seeing that this was not going to change
through prayer alone, I bought into the argument that my sexuality
was somehow a choice and jumped head first into heterosexual
relationships. This I prayed would provide me the liberation that I
so desperately sought.

…continued tomorrow…