During this time of my Christian walk when I did not want to practice or be “gay,” I was frequently astonished by how cruel fellow Christian students could be. I can still remember campaigns being launched against Tony Campolo, for calling Christians to act lovingly towards people with homosexual attractions. He wasn’t even calling Christians to accept homosexual love as “normal” or biblical. He was simply calling Christians to respond with compassion to a group of people who often face humiliation and abuse. Can you imagine groups joining on campus to boycott a preacher who called people to be compassionate with heterosexuals who have sex before they marry? Time and again I heard the stories of Christians turned away from the church when they came to the church for help walking away from such desires. I even had a dorm room mate who thought it was hilarious to display a milk top lid with the word HOMO crossed out, officially making her side of the room a “no homo’s allowed” zone.

Yet, in spite of such ignorance, I encountered some people who became my intimate Christian Community and who understood the God-given bond of community. I finally found a sense of family and home. I was invited by teachers and leaders to lead classes on both prayer and sexuality on Wheaton’s campus and other local Christian venues. It was through these relationships that I was drawn to Wheaton. To this day I hold ex-gay ministries and groups like Redeemed Lives in high esteem because they cause Christ’s Bride to open their eyes and talk about what can be so easily ignored and dismissed.

I came to Wheaton Graduate School because I believed that they were offering programs that fit my calling to the care of souls. Fellow students and several professors also affirmed this calling. It was during this time that I started spending more time with Kathy, my good friend and previous co-leader in ex-gay ministry. When we started to have romantic feelings for each other we were both thrown severely off balance because of the lack of “unhealthiness” or “co-dependency” that we had believed and been taught necessarily characterizes all experiences of same-sex romantic attraction. I found myself questioning my belief about the intrinsic incompatibility of homosexuality and authentic Christian discipleship. I started to re-evaluate Scriptural interpretations regarding sin, holiness, and human sexuality. I began wondering whether or not marriage between Christians of the same-sex held the potential to reflect the fullness of God’s glory. All this new questioning, and the prospect of there being room at the table for those “Ninevites” (same-sex attracted Christians) sent me on a Jonah-esque voyage into a depression the size of a great fish’s belly! I started participating (a little desperately) in the Redeemed Lives program through the Church of the Resurrection and at the same time re-evaluating all that I had until now held to be true about having homosexual attractions and union with God. The people around me who once saw my approach to Scripture and my journey with God as honorable and valid started to question the authenticity of my life with Jesus. On other issues over the course of time I had challenged status-quos, challenged easy assumptions, spoken and been received as a leader and a valid voice worth hearing and considering. Was their prior acknowledgement of what they termed wisdom in Christ so misled? Or had it evaporated so easily? Had I slipped so easily into a depraved mind? Would my faithful Lord have even let that happen? It seems they would rather accept those kinds of conclusions than listen with any kind of open heart to my well-considered thoughts about The Biggie. Distancing under the guise of “tough love” became the standard routine.